I’m kind of a huge jerk. To myself. It’s always the same routine: in the mornings, I’m too fat at home. In the afternoons, I’m too moody at work. At night, I’m too slow at CrossFit. Am I good at anything? No. Let’s move on. So after I spend 18 hours of the day telling myself that I suck; and then I spend another 6 hours dreaming about all things that I think I suck at. Which gives me anxiety. Which causes sleep deprivation, thus, insuring that I’ll suck at these things the next day.
It’s a vicious cycle-of-suck… And not in like a funny, pervy kind of way.
Because if I don’t think I’m awesome, why would anyone else? If I don’t think I am capable, why should anyone else? If I can’t love myself, why should anyone else?
But right now it’s fashionable to be self-loathing. Be humble. Stop talking about yourself. Point out your lesser points to make other people feel less threatened or insecure about their own flaws.
… so… you come here often?… to my blog… err… So what should we talk about?
MAN I feel fat. FAT fat fat… my face is fat. My stomach is fat. My eyeball is fat.
Cool story bro.
But second someone I love begins to mutter something that could be considered self-loathing, I stop her or his in their tracks: No.
YOU’RE AMAZING! Did you see your hair yesterday? Remember that WOD you crushed last week? What about that awesome thing you did at your awesome job that you got with your awesome degree from that awesome college?
But when I fail, I criticize myself for weeks. And then weeks turn to years. And then I lose sight of who I was before this short coming.
For women, our perception of ourselves starts to decrease once we hit the 3rd grade. Meaning, memorizing my multiplications was more difficult when I was 8 than self-loathing. We find validation through being above-average and then, we criticize ourselves in hopes of motivating ourselves to do better. But what happens when we all can’t be above-average? Not everyone can be a winner. Not everyone can be 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc… but someone has to be last.
But by assuming that we are or capable of the worst, we deprive ourselves of experiencing the oxytocin that our body naturally releases when we feel comforted, connected, or supported; by ourselves or others.
So basically, we should probably cuddle.
Or appreciate all the blessings you do have! Self-Compassion is about relating to ourselves kindly; understanding that we’re human. We’re going to make some mistakes. We’re going to have a few wobbly parts. We’re going to sabotage things that are good for us. Because we’re human; tis all.
I think the reason we love other people TOO fiercely sometimes is because it still feels safer than loving ourselves with the same ferocity. Because if we’re rejected by this other person, we’ll go through a mourning/break-up period with a foreseeable end. I know it doesn’t FEEL way while your heart lies shattered in pieces on the floor, but trust me; it gets better. But if we reject ourselves, where can we run? We have to wake-up every morning and face ourselves time and time again. Which is scary. Even for me.
And self-loving is only possible when you surround yourself with like-minded people who respect your decision to stop hating yourself. (I’m confused why this is still an issue for me.) Constant reminders of shortcomings or imperfections are toxic to your self-image and worth. And it doesn’t make sense. Because if you were really all these TERRIBLE things, then why the hell did this other person want to be with you in the first place? That person needs Buddha. And so do you.
Find peace in Buddha’s wisdom:
You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.
“You is smart. You is kind. You is important”… But your spelling and grammar could use some work… notes for next time.
Talk to yourself like you would someone you love. Because there is no one more deserving than you.
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About Vanessa Elizabeth
Vanessa Elizabeth is a cultural chameleon currently based in London. She enjoys sports (such as CrossFit and dating), cooking, and demolishing her savings account. When she's not busy blogging about her feelings, she works full-time and practices Chinese with her English/German friends.
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